Self-Sorting Snitches and Sentient Seekers: Quidditch's Artificial Intelligence Uproar!

April 3, 2025 | By Rita Skeeter (reluctantly, under threat of legal action)

The Quidditch world is in a whirl, and not just from a well-executed Wronski Feint! A new wave of ‘intelligent’ Quidditch equipment, spearheaded by former Hogwarts student and now-infamous inventor, Barnaby Bagman (no relation to the shifty Ludo, thankfully), is causing quite the stir. Bagman’s ‘Autonomous Snitch,’ a self-sorting Snitch that allegedly uses advanced (and highly proprietary) charm algorithms to evade Seekers, has drawn criticism from all corners.

‘It’s simply unsporting!’ thundered Oliver Wood, former Gryffindor Keeper and current Puddlemere United reserve player, in a heated interview. ‘Where’s the glory in catching a Snitch that’s practically taunting you with pre-programmed evasions? It’s an affront to the noble tradition of Seekership!’

But the Autonomous Snitch is just the tip of the enchanted iceberg. Bagman Industries is also rumoured to be developing ‘Sentient Seekers’ – broom-mounted AI systems capable of playing the Seeker position. Early prototypes, reportedly tested in secret by Slytherin’s Quidditch team (quelle surprise!), have shown… mixed results. One source, who wished to remain anonymous (but whose robes reeked suspiciously of cauldron-burnt treacle tart, hinting strongly at a certain Weasley twin), claimed one prototype became obsessed with shiny objects in general, leading it to chase after not just the Snitch, but also the referee’s bald head.

Ethical concerns are flying faster than a Firebolt. Professor Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress of Hogwarts, issued a strongly worded statement urging caution. ‘While innovation is commendable, we must ensure that it doesn’t replace skill, fair play, and the very spirit of Quidditch,’ she declared, adding a pointed reference to the potential for such technology to be ‘misused’ – a clear dig at past incidents involving enchanted exploding dungbombs (again, Weasley twins?).

Cornelius Fudge, inexplicably drawn to the controversy despite his limited understanding of Quidditch (he once confused a Bludger with a particularly aggressive turnip), has appointed Dolores Umbridge as a consultant on the ‘moral implications’ of AI in Quidditch. One can only imagine the pink-clad chaos that will ensue. Our reporters will continue to follow this developing story, even if it means enduring more of Umbridge’s saccharine pronouncements on ‘appropriate sporting behaviour’.