Merlin's Beard! Weather Weirder Than a Weasley Experiment!
By Barnaby Bumble, Daily Prophet Meteorological Correspondent
The Ministry of Magic is scrambling to understand increasingly erratic weather patterns plaguing the wizarding world. Experts are blaming, well, mostly everyone, and pointing fingers faster than a Niffler at Gringotts.
“We’re seeing blizzards in July,” sputtered a frazzled Professor Flitwick, who nearly lost his voice trying to shout over a rogue hailstorm hammering Hogwarts during our interview. “July! And the Great Lake… it’s practically evaporated! Except when it’s spontaneously turning into treacle! Honestly, the mermaids are threatening to unionize!”
The Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes reports a tenfold increase in ‘Unexplained Spontaneous Combustion’ incidents, mostly affecting improperly warded fireplaces and (surprisingly) portraits of Dolores Umbridge. Aurors are investigating, but Minister Shacklebolt suspects something far more systemic than rogue imps.
“Frankly, folks, we’re worried,” confessed a visibly harried Minister Shacklebolt at a press conference held during a brief respite from the acid rain. “We initially suspected Peeves had acquired a weather-altering artifact, but even he isn’t this consistently chaotic. He’s actually complaining that the weather is messing with his pranks!”
Rumours are swirling that the unusually powerful weather-altering spells are emanating from several sources, with many suggesting that the increase in dragon breeding is largely to blame for the global uptick in atmospheric heat. Others believe that unregulated potion brewing by underground wizards is to blame for the toxic clouds, but it’s hard to know who is to blame and what to do.
The International Confederation of Wizards (ICW) has convened an emergency summit to discuss these alarming trends. Madam President of the ICW, Griselda Marchbanks, reportedly arrived with a portable bubble-head charm large enough to cover the entire conference room. Sources close to Marchbanks revealed that she muttered something about ‘young wizards not knowing how good they have it’ and ‘back in her day, the worst she ever experienced were a few rogue gnomes, not torrential showers of newt eyeballs’.
While the ICW debates solutions ranging from worldwide wand control to a ban on excessively flammable hair potions, the Ministry urges all witches and wizards to take extra precautions: check your wards regularly, avoid travelling by broomstick during sudden sandstorms, and please, for Merlin’s sake, stop feeding your house-elves experimental exploding snacks!