Fluctuating Fortescue: Magical Measles Mutation Spreads Through Wizarding Britain!
BREAKING NEWS: St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries is bracing for a surge in cases of ‘Fluctuating Fortescue,’ a highly contagious (and frankly, rather embarrassing) strain of Magical Measles sweeping across Wizarding Britain. The Ministry of Magic’s Department of Magical Health has issued an urgent advisory, urging witches and wizards to immediately consult their Healers if they experience symptoms.
Symptoms, as described by Healer Smethwyck at St. Mungo’s, include: “Unpredictable changes in ice cream flavor preferences – one minute you’re craving a Knickerbocker Glory, the next it’s a Cauldron Cake compulsion! In extreme cases, patients have been observed attempting to transfigure everyday objects into various frozen confections. We also note an increased susceptibility to jinxes involving dairy products.” Healer Smethwyck was unfortunately unavailable for further comment as he was last seen wrestling a rogue garden gnome attempting to churn butter with its beard.
Rumours are swirling that the mutation may be linked to a recent (and unauthorized) experiment by Gilderoy Lockhart (currently residing in a secure ward at St. Mungo’s) involving a particularly potent batch of Forgetfulness Potions and a malfunctioning ice cream maker. The Ministry neither confirms nor denies this, but a spokesperson did state that ‘Mr. Lockhart’s contributions to medical advancement remain…questionable.’
In other news, a breakthrough has been announced at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Professor Snape (posthumously, of course, through the meticulous notes left behind) had apparently been working on a Draught of Living Lavender which, according to current Potions Master Slughorn, shows remarkable promise in boosting immunity against Fluctuating Fortescue. ‘A shame he’s not here to see it,’ lamented Professor Slughorn, ‘Though I suspect he’d find a way to take all the credit anyway!’
The Ministry urges calm and encourages the consumption of properly brewed potions (and only authorized ice cream). Remember, a clean wand is a happy wand! (And keeps the Cauldron Cakes away…)