BREAKING: St. Mungo's Announces Groundbreaking 'Skel-Re-Grow' Potion, But Side Effects May Include Singing in Parseltongue!

St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries is abuzz this morning after announcing a major breakthrough in skeletal regeneration. Chief Healer Smethwyck revealed the ‘Skel-Re-Grow Max’ potion, a significantly improved version of the notoriously temperamental Skele-Gro.

‘We’ve minimized the discomfort significantly,’ Healer Smethwyck assured reporters, carefully avoiding eye contact when referencing a certain Mr. Potter’s past experiences. ‘While the original Skele-Gro felt like ‘having your bones removed and re-inserted,’ this new formula feels more like… well, a particularly vigorous tickle fight with a very bony house-elf.’

Early trials have shown remarkable success, with patients recovering from complex bone fractures in a matter of hours. However, sources within St. Mungo’s whisper of a peculiar side effect: temporary Parseltongue acquisition. One test subject, a Mr. Barnaby Cuffe (no relation to the Daily Prophet editor, he insists), reportedly serenaded his pet Puffskein for three hours in fluent Parseltongue after ingesting the potion. The Puffskein, thankfully, seemed unfazed.

Furthermore, the Ministry of Magic’s Department of Magical Transportation is reportedly working with St. Mungo’s to improve healthcare access for remote communities. ‘Apparition Points for Emergency Medical Services are being considered,’ stated a Ministry spokesperson, ‘along with revised Portkey regulations to expedite transport for critical cases. We’re even exploring Floo Network booths directly into St. Mungo’s, though we’re still working out the…ahem… logistical challenges involving accidental soot ingestion and potential mis-Flooings to Knockturn Alley.’

Critics, mainly from the Ancient Runes Society who claim the potion’s incantations are ‘utterly barbaric and disrespectful to the ancient arts,’ remain skeptical. Professor Bathsheba Babbling, a leading Runes expert, was overheard muttering something about ‘mediocre potion-making and a blatant disregard for the sacred symbols of bone alignment.’

Despite the concerns, the ‘Skel-Re-Grow Max’ is expected to revolutionize magical healthcare. Just be prepared to potentially understand what your garden gnomes are really thinking. Side effects may vary. Consult your Healer (and possibly a Parselmouth) before use.