BREAKING: Sprout's Super Sniffles Sweep Hogwarts! Mandrakes Blamed!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is currently grappling with a sudden outbreak of what is being dubbed ‘Sprout’s Super Sniffles,’ a particularly virulent form of magical influenza. Symptoms include excessive sneezing (often resulting in accidental conjuration of small household objects), a persistent cough that sounds suspiciously like mandrake screams (without the fatal petrification, thankfully), and an inexplicable craving for pumpkin pasties.
Professor Pomona Sprout, Head of Herbology, is under immediate suspicion. Initial investigations point towards a rogue batch of Mandrakes, possibly cross-bred with something equally unpleasant (the details are still hazy and involve Ernie Macmillan’s unfortunate proximity to a Whomping Willow during harvesting). Professor Sprout, when questioned, was reportedly mortified and muttered something about ’those blasted seedlings’ and ‘investing in earmuffs with better Silencing Charms.’
Madam Pomfrey is working tirelessly, brewing extra-strength Pepperup Potions and enforcing strict bed rest. However, some students, notably the Weasley twins, are reportedly attempting to ‘weaponize’ the sniffles, using Sneezing Charms to create elaborate (and highly irritating) pranks. Their current target appears to be Argus Filch, who is now sporting a rather fetching collection of self-conjured doilies glued to his face.
The Ministry of Magic has been alerted, with a team of Unspeakables dispatched to investigate the potential for wider outbreak. A spokesman for the Ministry stated, ‘We urge all witches and wizards to remain calm and avoid direct contact with Mandrakes, pumpkin pasties (just to be safe), and particularly rambunctious Weasley twins. A temporary ban on Transfiguration homework involving handkerchiefs is also being considered.’
This reporter recommends investing in a robust Silencing Charm and a lifetime supply of tissues. And perhaps avoid Professor Sprout’s next Herbology lesson, just in case.